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2021.12.09 07:59 flickbath I could feel this

I could feel this submitted by flickbath to MakeMeSuffer [link] [comments]


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2021.12.09 07:59 Accomplished-North73 How can I stop feeling so empty?

Hey, I hope everyone is well. I apologise for any typos, I'm on my phone and I'm not good at typing. I guess I should give a bit of context about my situation. I'm 21 and from ages 4-9, I was abused by my mother. She was a severe drug addict and alcoholic and I never really saw her sober. It was mainly physical and sexual, and I copped most of the abuse from her as opposed to my brothers. I won't go into too much detail, but to give you insight on what it was like, one time I was forced on all 4s while she sat on me and forced a horse bit into my mouth and whipped me. She would encourage me to touch and grope her and she would do the same to me. She would lock us outside the house at night so we would sleep at the front door. She forced me to drink and smoke when I was 5 years old and would burn my most cherished items and forced me to watch them burn. She would laugh when she'd see me cry.
Child protective services got involved and I got put into my dad's care. I still saw my mum until i was 14. She didn't really seem to care much about having a relationship with me. She would go against court orders, and invite her drug addict boyfriends around everytime I would try to see her. I pretty much cut her off at that point. My dad seemed to be better because he fed us and seemed to be a good dad until about age 11. He started getting into gambling. He quit his job and has been unemployed for at least 10 years. He started being verbally abusive, calling me the n word (despite both of us being white), saying that I was never important, and blaming me for being sexually assaulted when I was in primary school. He wouldn't allow me or my brothers to move out, attend uni, or learn to drive because he'd threaten to kill us or himself. He would always make comments on my weight and caused me to develop an eating disorder and then made fun of me for developing one. When I quit my job because I was being sexually assaulted and the managers did nothing about it, he threw all my stuff on the road and said that I wanted to make my brother with autism homeless. I could go on and on about what they did, but I think you get the picture.
A day before my 21st birthday, I had a friend help me escape. I left a note, pretty much explaining why I was leaving and that I needed time away. I moved into a youth rehabilitation program. My dad threatened to stalk me and track me down and called me a liar and an evil, knieving bitch. He claimed that the counsellor I was seeing brainwashed me and that because I had been vegetarian, my personality changed. He threatened to kill me and an AVO was considered to be put in place. I legally changed my name and had my number changed because even though I had blocked him, he was getting 'family therapists' to abuse me on the phone. I don't have a relationship with him anymore, but I keep in contact with my brothers who are too afraid to leave.
I've been at this youth program for 8 months and I'm going to be moving interstate to live with my aunt and pretty much start over. Since being on the program I managed to get my licence and develop living skills that I never was allowed to know. The program has helped tremendously, but I'm so far away from everyone I know and the loneliness is crippling. I'm still unsure of career options, but I have a job set in place when I move to my aunt and I have been seeing career counsellors to help get a better idea. I only started to have a real relationship with my relatives up north when I came to program. That's because my dad never let us really have a relationship with them unless we were getting money from them. They have been nothing but angels to me since I started talking to them, they've offered me to live with them, they've offered money and food, and they send little gifts to me every now and then. And even though they've done all of this, I feel nothing more than a burden to them and I'm super afraid to see them again. I always try to talk to them every few days and always make gifts to show them how thankful I am. I have put aside money to pay for board and I don't want to bother them at all. I also feel so out of touch and an outsider because I haven't seen them all in 10 years and I don't want to ruin anything.
I've had therapy over the past couple of years (done in secret because my dad never liked me getting help) and I was officially diagnosed with PTSD when I was 17. I've been seeking professional help since moving to the program, but I still feel so empty. I've tried CBT, DBT, group therapy, and more. There are times when I get so sad that I get goosebumps and I shiver. I always want to cry and I have no self esteem. I feel so awful all the time and I feel like I'm always trying to fill this void. I keep myself busy and just do everything in excess and never at a healthy level. I've been through phases of binge eating, starving, excessive self harm, exercise, tattooing, and piercing. Now I'm back to excessive walking and shopping. I've stayed clear of alcohol and drugs because I know what I'm like and once I start, I won't stop. I don't know what I can do to be happy and the help that I've been getting isn't very helpful. I know that I haven't had it bad as a lot of people and I am grateful for the good things in my life, but I just need some help not feeling so desolate and empty. Do you have any advice? Thanks
submitted by Accomplished-North73 to Advice [link] [comments]


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2021.12.09 07:59 AutoModerator New Smash Pic-of-the-Day! - (12/09/2021) from @Sora_Sakurai

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2021.12.09 07:59 Gib1997 Any places/events you can see reindeer this year?

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